For many men, dating in the modern world seems close to impossible. With dating apps running the romantic economy, social media constantly pushing an unreasonable standard for men, and hook-up culture and zero-commitment relationships rising in popularity, modern dating can seem like a game tailored to wealthy, ripped, above-average-height playboys.
Why would she choose you over the dozens of high-value men waiting for only a button click and a few flirty messages away?
What do you have to offer that other men don’t?
If you, like so many men, have found yourself asking how the heck you fit into today’s evolving dating scene, look no further. Over my ten plus years of men’s coaching, I have had ample opportunity to analyze the changing landscape of modern dating and I know how you feel and why you feel the way you do.
I’ve faced the infinitude of questions, doubts, and insecurities from men, and I have answers. The biggest of these answers is this:
Women want men like you.
Period. End of story.
Intelligent, mature women–the very ones you’re after–can see through the superficiality of modern dating. They’re after real men. They’re eager for guys like you.
What are you waiting for?
Abundance and Scarcity and What They Have To Do With Dating
Abundance and scarcity are economic terms. Abundance is plenty, scarcity is lack.
So what have they to do with dating, and perhaps more importantly, with mindset?
Well, believe it or not, your mindset and approach to the modern dating world are as important as anything.
An abundance mindset in dating refers to approaching the dating scene in an optimistic manner, believing that there are plenty of romantic opportunities waiting for you.
A scarcity mindset, on the other hand, believes that your options are limited, your romantic forays are futile, and put simply, that you will more than likely die miserable and alone.
The scarcity mindset causes men to settle for sup-par relationships, endure abuse, and often quit dating entirely.
If you want to find any success in the modern dating world, an abundance mindset is crucial. How do you build this mindset?
Learn how to overcome inadequacy and build self-worth.
To cultivate this mindset, you must…
- Believe that love exists.
- Believe that you are worthy to give and receive it just as much as anyone else.
- Believe that it is within your power to find it.
If you don’t base your dating life on these three tenets, there really is no point in dating in the first place.
Most men get lost around the second point. While they do believe love to exist, they don’t see themselves as deserving candidates. One too many rejections or a couple of botched dates sends them a clear message: women don’t want you.
The truth is, these men are one key realization away from a groundbreaking truth:
Women feel identical to you.
Beyond the flawless profile pictures and the superficiality of the swipe game, there are thousands upon thousands of women just as fed up with the modern dating world as you are.
In fact, there are an abundance of articles by the exact same name as this one tailored not to the male, but the female reader.
You have options, you just need to believe it and live your life as if you do.
8 Ways to Cultivate Optimism in an Echo Chamber of Pessimism
1. Stop Searching for “The One”
In my late teens and early twenties, I went through years of immense emotional turmoil caused by a single belief: the belief that there was one and only one career that would satisfy me.
I didn’t know what it was, but I did know that if I didn’t find it, I would suffer in quiet misery for the rest of my life.
What I know now, and would have given my left leg to know then, is that there are a multitude of career paths I could have taken that would have led to a happy and fulfilling life.
Many men make the same mistake I made in my youth when considering romantic partners. They get this idea that there is one woman out there for them and everyone else is just a bump in the road on the way to their discovery of this “one true love”.
To make it worse, oftentimes they have a very clear image of who this “one true love” is. Whether it be how they dress, what they do for work, or how they meet, men will paint a picture of how things will be and not leave room for anything else.
While you don’t have to do away with the idea of “the one” altogether, at least let go of the idea that this one person can only be one way.
Stop searching for “the one” and you’ll open the door to an abundance of possibilities.
2. Expand your Social Circle
Highschool friends are great. College friends are fantastic. But sometimes you need to wade into uncharted waters to catch new types of fish.
Expanding your social circle is one of the best ways to cultivate an abundance mindset and give yourself the best chance you can at finding love.
How do you do this? It isn’t as hard as it seems. It’s just about embracing a bit of uncertainty and stepping outside of your comfort zone.
Here are some ways to do that
- Join Clubs or Groups: Take part in clubs or groups related to your interests such as book clubs, hiking groups, or volunteer organizations to meet women with the same interests.
- Move to a New City: Sometimes the biggest change is the best change. If your dating life has grown stagnant, sometimes a fresh start is the spark it needs.
- Take Classes or Workshops: Enroll in classes or workshops on topics you’re passionate about—this not only broadens your knowledge but also introduces you to new people with shared interests.
- Use Dating Apps and Online Dating: Online dating has its pitfalls and hazards, but when used correctly, it is also a formidable tool in the romantic world. Never has meeting like-minded people and weeding out those you don’t match with been so easy.
- Volunteer: Offer your time and skills to charitable organizations or community projects, which not only contributes to a good cause but also allows you to meet diverse people who share your commitment to making a difference.
Expose yourself to foreign environments and you’ll quickly discover that options aren’t as limited as you may think.
3. Go on Multiple Dates
Over the course of my men’s coaching career, I’ve met more than a few guys disillusioned with the modern dating world.
The first question I always ask them is this: how many dates have you gone on in the past three months?
I’m not some red-piller who swears by the philosophy of dating and dumping women every day, but I do believe you have to have some skin in the game to win any sort of prize.
The truth of the modern dating world is that it may take more than a handful of dates to find a match. The best way to increase your odds and do away with a hopeless approach to romance is to meet more women.
Start at your own pace. If your schedule and wallet can handle it, try a date a week. Too much? How about every other week. Still too much? How about one a month.
It doesn’t matter how you go about doing it as long as you do it. If you’re bad at approaching women or are tired of getting rejected, have a go with dating apps. Whatever you do, keep facing your fears or disillusionment and keep interacting with women.
By meeting more women, you increase the chances of meeting one you like. Crazy, right?!
Sometimes, it’s more simple than you might think.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries in Dating
You meet a girl. The two of you hit it off on the first date, and a second, third, and fourth follow in quick succession.
You ask her out officially, she says yes, and you’re overjoyed, convinced your lonely existence is finally over.
But after a few months, the honeymoon phase comes to an end and you start to notice some glaring red flags. She lashes out in anger frequently, she whines whenever you take any time for yourself, and she refuses to introduce you to her family.
What do you do? Well, it depends on whether you are operating from an abundance or scarcity mindset.
A man weighed down by a scarcity mindset clings to this woman, wincing through her stinging blows and the torrent of abuse. It’s better than being alone, he tells himself.
Meanwhile, a man operating from an abundance mindset packs his bags and is out the door without a second thought. He respects himself and knows his worth enough to be one-hundred percent sure that there is something better out there for him.
To cultivate an abundance mindset, you have to learn how to let go.
You have to know your worth. This starts with knowing what you’re looking for and refusing to waste your time on anything else.
If you can’t set healthy boundaries in your dating life, you’ll get taken advantage of and end up unfulfilled and resentful.
5. Overcome Self-Sabotaging Beliefs
When you lose confidence in yourself, you essentially fold your hand in the dating world.
You have to have cards in the game to win anything of any value. To cultivate an abundance mentality, you have to do away with any negative beliefs about yourself.
Here are some of the most common:
- “I’m Not Good Enough”: Believing that you lack the qualities or attributes needed to attract a partner can lead to insecurity and reluctance to pursue meaningful connections.
- “All the Good Ones Are Taken”: Assuming that there are no viable dating opportunities left can discourage effort and prevent you from recognizing potential partners. Remember, women are thinking identical thoughts!
- “Rejection Means Failure”: Viewing rejection as a personal failure rather than a normal part of dating can make you avoid taking risks and trying new approaches.
- “I Must Meet All Criteria Perfectly”: Holding yourself to unrealistic standards or trying to fit an ideal mold can lead to frustration and missed opportunities with people who might appreciate you as you are.
- “Dating is a Numbers Game”: Believing that success in dating is purely about quantity over quality can lead to superficial interactions and missed chances for genuine connections.
You’re only as attractive as you are confident.
6. Embrace Rejection as Part of the Process
Ever heard of rejection therapy?
It’s the practice of actively pursuing rejection in order to thicken your skin and prove to yourself that getting rejected doesn’t really matter.
Because the truth is, rejection is a part of any process. The scarcity mindset in dating tells you that one more rejection means you’re one step closer to living alone for the rest of your life.
An abundance mindset, on the other hand, takes rejection in stride. When a grounded man approaches a woman, he has nothing to prove. He views himself as an equal to the woman, understanding that rejection is not defeat in any way.
The best way to handle rejection is an affable smile, a simple “no worries”, and immediate distancing.
When a man takes rejection with cool self-assurance, a woman rethinks her decision.
But the only way to possess this cool self-assurance is to understand that rejection means nothing to you and your future. It’s just another stepping stone on your journey to love.
7. Maximize Your Attraction
You won’t just stumble into a relationship. Trust me.
Don’t expect to find a relationship if you aren’t actively looking for it.
In dating, many men take the approach that atheists take with god. If love is real, they say, it’ll find me.
When no beautiful woman falls into their lap, they shrug their shoulders and conclude that they just don’t have a chance.
That is a scarcity mindset. A man under the influence of an abundance mindset understands that finding a relationship is something completely in his hands.
So much of this personal responsibility comes down to this one thing: learn how to take care of yourself.
- Eat: Maintain a balanced diet rich in nutrients to support your overall health, energy levels, and appearance, which can positively impact your attractiveness. There’s no downside to eating right.
- Sleep: Prioritize quality sleep to ensure you are well-rested and refreshed, as good sleep improves your mood, skin, and overall vitality, enhancing your appeal.
- Exercise: Exercise regularly to boost your fitness, confidence, and posture, all of which contribute to a more attractive and healthy appearance. If you can take care of yourself, she’ll know you can take care of her as well.
- Groom: Don’t submit to the superficiality of modern dating and focus entirely on your appearance. Do, however, understand that appearance plays a massive role in your ability to attract women.
- Confidence: Cultivate self-confidence by setting and achieving personal goals, which not only improves your self-image but also makes you more engaging and appealing to others.
8. Overcome the Fear of Loneliness
The fear of loneliness is a precarious foundation for a healthy dating life.
A man who fears loneliness drops his standards for the company he keeps.
To foster an abundance mentality in dating, you MUST be happy with your own company. If you aren’t happy with your own company and you need a romantic companion to justify your existence or prove your worth to yourself and the world, you’ll never be in a happy relationship.
To determine if the relationship you’re in is a real relationship or nothing more than a band aid covering emotional pain, ask yourself the following five questions.
- If someone told you you’re a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment to you?
- Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely?
- Are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?
- Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole, or are you only in love with their potential or the idea of them?
- Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner?
You should love your wife or girlfriend with all of your heart, but they should not be your identity.
Takeaways
In a world of eight billion people, you think it’d be impossible to feel a sense of scarcity in the romantic scene.
Yet for so many men (myself included at one point), it’s a reality.
We get overwhelmed, disillusioned, and fed up, eventually concluding that something is wrong with us and we are somehow destined for eternal loneliness.
What we don’t realize, however, is that it is this very mindset that dooms us to such a fate. It is only by losing hope, confidence, and faith in the abundance of love, that we lose ourselves.
An abundance mindset fights this temptation to lose hope. An abundance mindset chooses to see the truth despite the temptation to be blinded by the superficiality of the modern world.
There is someone out there for you, many people perhaps, and with effort, perseverance, and belief, you will find them.
Still feel alone?
This is where knowledge for men can be a game changer.
With myself and a dozen of the best men’s coaches on the planet leading the way, we have developed a tried and tested method to turn lives around.
If you’ve tired of living a life of mundane mediocrity, fed up with your lack of drive, and ready to unlock your true potential as a man on this earth, we may have what you need.
We’ve provided life-changing training to hundreds of men and would like to hear from you if you want to take that next step.
Do be warned: our programs are not for everyone. We are not psychologists or therapists trained to hand-hold you through your trauma. We don’t promise results. Every step of your journey with us will be taken by you; we just tell you where to step and catch you if you slip.
Your next step is up to you.
