We all want to feel secure in our relationships.
We all want to be with someone we can trust.
We’re all searching for that foundation, that bedrock, that’ll provide us with stability, comfort, and happiness.
But sometimes, we end up in situations that rock those foundations, like being involved with a woman who has close relationships with other men. Most guys have been in this exact situation at least once in their life. They start seeing a girl and find out she’s good friends with several guys, or even more intensely for the man; her best friend is male.
These situations leave guys feeling jealous, wrestling with their own self-confidence and self-esteem, and can lead a man to feel threatened and uncomfortable because you’re not her only source of male companionship.
It can be difficult to understand when you’re dealing with a red flag situation or when your insecurity, trust issues, or low self-esteem are sabotaging your relationship.
I’ll come out and say it right now, just because your girlfriend has guy friends doesn’t mean that she’s cheating on you, either emotionally or physically.
But it also doesn’t mean that she’s not.
The Shifting Landscape of Male/Female Relationships
In times past, platonic friendships between men and women existed, but they were definitely not the norm. It was generally believed that if a guy had a female friend or vice versa, there was at least mild romantic interest shared between the two.
After 100+ years of civil rights movements, women and men occupy different positions than they used to. In our world, the drive toward equality has evened the landscape so that a girl having a male friend or a guy having a female friend isn’t completely out of the norm.
These friendships can be incredibly enriching. Any guy who’s taken the time to build a strong platonic relationship with a girl knows that a woman can make an excellent wingman, a source of emotional support when the chips are down and out, and they can help him with a better understanding of the female perspective.
Conversely, women today are able to enjoy the same type of benefits by having platonic relationships with men.
You may even unknowingly have benefited from that type of connection in your own love life. Your partner’s ability to seek non-romantic male counsel about issues in communication, understanding, or other aspects of your relationship gives her access to a male perspective outside of the situation.
Red Flags to Watch Out For
These changes in our social dynamics aren’t inherently bad, but they have blurred the lines between when a guy needs to be concerned about other dudes and when he should be supportive of a relationship.
Some key things to look out for are:
- Your girlfriend has a lot of guy friends
- Your girlfriend has mainly guy friends
- Your girlfriend doesn’t have female friends
- Your girlfriend talks to her guy friend about things she won’t talk to you about
- Your girlfriend doesn’t let you have female friends
Each of these is a potential red flag that the male companions your girlfriend is spending her time with might be worth being concerned about.
Let’s take a closer look at each scenario.
Your Girlfriend Has a Lot of Guy Friends
There’s a sharp difference between the people we interact with as acquaintances and the people we have intimate connections with. Acquaintances can include our co-workers, baristas at coffee shops, a local bartender, or someone you’ve met in passing while out on the town.
Conversely, friendships take work. The people we call friends are the ones who we’ve chosen to invest our time into. They’re the people we actively choose to get to know on an intimate level, we’re involved in their lives, and they’re involved in ours.
When you’re trying to assess whether you have a reason to worry about the male friends your girlfriend keeps in her life a good starting place is to count the number of male friends that your girlfriend keeps in her life.
Our time is a precious commodity. We only have so much of it in every day. We spend, ideally, a third of the time available to us in a 24-hour period sleeping, and most folks have to work another third of that available time to support themselves. That leaves us with a precious remaining third to do the things we want to do, to focus on our creative passions and self-fulfillment needs, and to spend time with the people we want to spend it with.
If you’re in a healthy, supportive relationship with a girl at least some of that remaining eight hours should be dedicated to the connection you two share. She picked you out of all of the men in her life to hang her hat up with at least partially because your masculinity provides her with things she can’t get from her female friends.
Now imagine that she has half a dozen other men in her life who know her in and out. She’s cultivated close, intimate relationships with these other men to ensure that she always has access to male attention and the sense of security that can come from masculinity.
In this scenario, your value as her man has been lessened.
Instead of relying on the connection you’ve created together to provide her with the benefits of your masculinity, she’s made the pool wider by getting it from a number of different sources.
Whether she’s actively involved with these men or not beyond the level of friendship, this is actively devaluing the connection you two are capable of having by widening the pool of available male attention. If the two of you end up having conflict (an inevitability in any relationship) instead of being in a position where the two of you have to come together to overcome it, by cultivating a large amount of close relationships with other men, she has a roster waiting in the wings to provide her with attention, interest, and self-confidence.
Worse still, even if the majority of the guy friends she’s built relationships with aren’t interested in her romantically, it’s not unlikely that at least a handful of them are. They could utilize those moments of conflict as opportunities to undermine your relationship, and the more male friends your girlfriend has, the more likely that scenario becomes.
Now, just because your girlfriend has a large stable of guy friends doesn’t mean she’s utilizing those connections for her self-esteem, to shore up the gaps in your relationship, or other problematic scenarios.
But it’s a fine line and it’s important to realize that whether the above is taking place or not, her having a lot of guy friends is creating opportunities for your relationship to fizzle.
She Mainly Has Guy Friends
Maybe your girlfriend doesn’t have many guy friends because she’s not the type to keep many friendships in general. In that scenario, it can be beneficial to look at the ratio of male and female relationships she keeps in her life.
If your woman has five close friends and four of them are other guys, it’s understandable that you might end up feeling jealous or feel uncomfortable with your girlfriend’s guy friends.
This setup speaks of a woman who prioritizes male attention to provide her with things she can only get from guys. She may not be interested in any of those other guys in a romantic sense. Instead, these could be safe friendships that exist in her life to shore up her emotional needs.
In some cases, this could speak of a woman who is wrestling with trust issues and insecurities around her dating life, and by keeping this stable roster of other guys she’s created a fall back for when the inevitable break point (that her belief is helping to create) comes along and dashes your relationship upon the rocks.
Once again we find ourselves with a person who won’t need to depend on her boyfriend and his sense of masculinity, because she’s created a life for herself that ensures that her cup stays full regardless of what she has with you.
As someone who’s found himself in a relationship with a woman who has mainly guy friends, I haven’t had good results with those girls. They’ve tended to be the type to run away at the first sign of conflict, more ready to “take a break” than to work through whatever we need to in our relationship, and have been less willing to open up and talk about their fears and insecurities with me.
A girlfriend who has mainly male friends isn’t an automatic deal breaker, but it’s definitely a red flag that warrants a closer look if you’re somebody who’s in a relationship with a girl with these tendencies.
She Doesn’t Have Any Female Friends
There’s a red flag to look out for that’s much bigger than a girl who has many or mainly guy friends.
If you’re finding yourself in a relationship with a woman who has absolutely zero female friendships in her life, you might have invested your energy in the wrong girl.
A woman who does not or cannot maintain relationships with other women and only has relationships with men is disconnected from her own sense of femininity. Each friendship she has with a man is likely there to fill a void she has within herself, and it’s likely that having a boyfriend isn’t going to be the answer to healing that void.
Women often provide each other with a unique type of emotional support and understanding. Female friendships are the bedrock of a relatable source of emotional support for women. When a woman only maintains relationships with other guys she’s created a situation where the emotional support she receives outside of your relationship is coming solely from the male perspective.
The male perspective isn’t likely to be in sync with the feelings that your girlfriend is experiencing. Men are wired to be solution oriented, opportunistic, and often approach their own feelings from a place of practicality. These traits can manifest with your partner in ways that actively work to undermine your relationship, and once again we find ourselves in a situation where your girlfriend has ample access to male connection outside of what she’s built with you.
The lack of female friendship in her life and its implication of a disconnect from her own femininity can point to a girlfriend who won’t be able to provide you with the benefits of her femininity. This could lead to a relationship where your needs aren’t being adequately met, basically engendering a relationship that’s doomed from the start.
Furthermore, a woman who is incapable of maintaining relationships with other men is likely to not have a good relationship with herself, and having a good relationship with ourselves is the cornerstone of any healthy, supportive relationship.
She Goes to Her Guy Friends for Emotional Support (And Not You)
If your girlfriend goes to someone else for emotional guidance, comfort, or support, even if that other person is a guy, it doesn’t automatically give red flag energy.
However, if you’re in a relationship with a girl who consistently relies on one or more of her guy friends for emotional support and she doesn’t come to you when she’s going through things, it’s not unlikely that something isn’t working in your relationship.
The bottom line is if another man is who she needs to talk to when she’s feeling difficult emotions, that’s something she either does not feel like she can get from you or it’s something that she doesn’t need from you in your relationship. Even worse, if she justifies the behavior by saying he’s the “one guy” who truly understands her you’re going to be left scratching your head about why she’s with you.
Healthy relationships are reliant on clear communication, mutual trust, and healthy intimacy.
You cannot build a life with a woman that will make you feel good and secure if you aren’t a part of her inner world.
Girls who engage in this kind of behavior are also utilizing a divide and conquer approach to ensure that their physical and emotional needs are met with more consistency. By having the reliable guy friend who provides a masculine sense of comfort when she’s lost in her feelings, she doesn’t have to worry about losing that cornerstone of male support if things between the two of you don’t work out.
It may also be the case that she isn’t involved with you on an emotional level, and that your role in her world is to provide her with practical support like a home, money, or physical intimacy. This is a rough deal for a guy in a relationship, because it could potentially speak to her using you for what you provide.
This one thing could point to her not being with you for who you are and if your goal in dating is to build a life with someone else, it might be wise to break things off so you can find the women who are ready, able, and willing to connect with you.
She Doesn’t Let You Have Female Friends (And Still Has Guy Friends)
If your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum that being with her requires you to have zero friendships with other girls, it’s likely in your best interest to see that as a deal breaker and to walk away before you get in too deep.
In the same way that dudes who are incapable of working through their own jealous thoughts and feelings create an unsafe space for their partners, women are absolutely capable of doing the same thing.
Our relationships with ourselves are paramount to the intimate relationships we build with other people. The thoughts spinning around inside our own heads often manifest in our perceptions of the people around us, and this is especially true in a close intimate relationship.
It’s one thing to wrestle with feelings of insecurity around fidelity in a relationship. If you’ve been cheated on in the past, it can create an expectation of betrayal when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, and there isn’t anything wrong with holding space for those feelings when they come up.
In a healthy relationship, this is the kind of thing that you talk through and work on together, allowing space for any pre-existing friendship of importance that your partner might have. Our lives are often complicated and inheriting that is part of the deal when you sign up to be in a relationship with someone else.
When your girlfriend is coming to you and trying to control who you spend your time with she’s sending the message that if she didn’t intervene and control your behavior that she thinks you won’t give her loyalty.
Simply by the act of trying to control who you spend your time with, your girlfriend is giving you a message loud and clear: I don’t trust you.
But there’s a secondary, less obvious message coming from this behavior: You shouldn’t trust me.
It is often the case that when somebody is obsessively worried that their significant other is going to cheat on them it’s at least partially fueled by their own worries about their potential for infidelity.
Personally, I once spent a year and a half of my life with a woman who constantly accused me of stepping out on her, giving my affection to other girls, and not maintaining loyalty in our relationship.
Not surprisingly, when that relationship finally ended up on the rocks, it came out that she had been doing all the things she used to accuse me of while we were seeing each other.
This red flag is made even worse if your girlfriend doesn’t want you to have any female friendships while actively maintaining friendship with the opposite sex.
This is somebody who has actively created a double standard in your relationship where you’ve been painted as a guy with villainous intent, and her maintaining male friends while denying you platonic female connection isn’t someone you’re going to be able to sustain a relationship with.
How to Assess When You’re Living in Your Own Insecurity
Now that we’ve gone over how the modern world and the changes that come with it have required men and women to have a more open minded approach to relationship boundaries, and we’ve exhausted our list of potential red flags in relationships, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
What if you don’t have anything to worry about?
What if your worries are coming from a place of jealousy, low self-esteem, or self-sabotage?
Put simply, what if it’s all in your head?
The Value of Platonic Connections with the Opposite Sex
It is entirely possible for your girlfriend to have guy friends and not have it be detrimental to your relationship. In fact, in the right circumstances, it’s possible for those male friends to add value to her life and the relationship she has with you.
Men and women operate on different wavelengths and are often coming from different places in the same situations.
When a girl has at least one guy outside of her relationship to talk through things with it can allow her to get a male perspective on the situations she goes through, and through this she might be better able to understand where you’re coming from and empathize with you.
On the other hand, having a platonic relationship with a woman can bring the same kind of value to your life. By connecting with women in a non-romantic way, it opens a man up to a woman’s world and perspective without the pressures of a romantic relationship.
This diversity of perspective can significantly enrich both partners understanding and appreciation of the opposite sex. Better still, it can foster a deeper level of trust within the relationship as it shows a strong sense of security and confidence in each other’s loyalty and commitment to one another.
Key Tenets to a Healthy Relationship
There are a number of things you’ll want to keep an eye out for when dating to prevent any of the hypothetical red flag scenarios we went over in this article. They are:
- Clearly defined boundaries that are stated and respected by both people
- The ability to trust your partner, and a partner who is able to trust you
- Open communication i.e. the freedom to discuss your thoughts and feelings without judgement
Even in the best relationship it is not uncommon to come across things like feeling jealous, worried, or afraid. When we have a girlfriend who is willing to hold space for our concerns and talk them through with us without judgement it gives them a place to flow to. It isn’t wrong to desire reassurance in your relationship.
As an example, let’s say that your girlfriend has a close guy friend who she’s been talking to for years. In this situation they have a pre-established friendship and relationship that goes back further than the connection you’ve made with her. If the closeness of their relationship made you feel uncomfortable, it would be natural and understandable to talk those things through with her.
What you shouldn’t do is freak out and tell her to drop a friend she’s known for significantly longer than she’s known you. Even if the jealous feeling their friendship gives you could be justified, you’re essentially asking someone to choose you (a risky investment) over someone else (a long term investment) and you’re going to lose almost every time. If for some reason she did agree to your terms, you’re more than likely going to be met with lingering resentment which will ultimately sabotage the relationship.
Ideally, if you’re with a woman and you find yourself feeling jealous, threatened, uncomfortable or else, bring your concerns to her. If she holds space for you and listens without judgement you’re in a good position to carry the relationship forward. Just remember that these things are a two way street and you’ll need to hold space for her too.
Self Confidence is a Key to Success
Ultimately, self confidence is the one thing you can always rely on to carry you through any stumbling blocks that might come up in your love life.
A self reliant man is one who’s built a life for himself that brings him satisfaction that doesn’t rely on the other people he’s chosen to connect with. He doesn’t have to fight off his insecurity because his sense of security and self worth isn’t coming from his girlfriend, it’s coming from within himself.
When a man lives in the totality of his own sense of self worth he doesn’t struggle to set the necessary boundaries to avoid the red flags that can come up in his dating life. He knows he’s a high value man and that any girls who he takes an interest in are going to recognize this and treat him with the respect he deserves.
The right woman for a confident man might have guy friends, but she’s going to keep those male friends in the appropriate place they should be and reserve her most intimate self for her boyfriend. She’ll celebrate your accomplishments, express her appreciation for what you bring to the partnership, and make a consistent effort to make sure you know she understands how being with you elevates her life.
If you’re finding yourself struggling with feelings of insecurity in your dating life, take a step back and ask yourself if you’re meeting your own standards for who and what you want to be.
Putting the work into ourselves is one of the most critical steps to having a successful, happy life.
It can change the type of women we attract, free us from the need to be in a relationship to be happy, and give us the tools we need to navigate every day with confidence, clarity, and self worth.
Step Into Your Power: Uncover Your Path to True Masculinity
Are you caught in uncertainty about your relationships, questioning the boundaries you’ve set, or wondering if you’re with the right partner? Do you feel the urge to hone your leadership abilities and truly embody your masculine power? If these questions resonate with you, you’ve come to a pivotal starting point.
Dive into our transformative approach by watching the video below. At Knowledge for Men, we don’t just offer coaching—we catalyze profound personal transformations. You’re not starting another program; you’re stepping onto a path of becoming the most decisive, confident, and grounded version of yourself.
Initiate your transformation by scheduling a one-on-one conversation with one of our expert coaches. Together, we’ll explore your deepest aspirations, the obstacles you face, and tailor a strategy that’s uniquely suited to your journey towards authentic masculinity.
This isn’t merely guidance—it’s a partnership in crafting a life of strength and purpose. Let’s evaluate together if joining the Knowledge for Men program is the right step for you.
Watch the video now to begin redefining your journey. Learn how we’ve helped men like you become pillars of strength and resolve, and prepare to discuss your future with one of our coaches. It’s time to transform your uncertainties into your greatest strengths.
